Pandemic Blues

"Never to be lonely like that--

the Early American figure on the beach in 

black coat and knee-breeches,

 scanning the didactic storm in privacy."

Adrienne Rich 

Today has been a struggle for me from the very start.  For some reason, the pack that is isolation has seemed much too heavy for me to bear.  And the above words of Adrienne Rich, read long ago in a college class, pass through my brain. Today I am lonely. I try, but those that have gone before pass through my thoughts in a constant stream and I miss them so badly.  Today it is not much fun to be me.  I would give anything to sit down next to a friend on a curb during a ride, to hug hello or goodbye, to be touched.  I want to see my granddaughter.  I am missing watching her grow.  She will not even know me.  I miss my daughter and my son.   I miss going to see my sister and brother, and I worry about them for they are at much higher risk than I am.  Will I ever get to see these people again or will they or I be struck down?

Recently they put up tents in town to serve various purposes in the midst of the pandemic.  Will I end up there not even being able to say good-bye to those I love?  Will they end up in someplace similar where I can't reach them to care for them, to be with them?  It is all so troubling.

 I let myself mourn for the world and the changes we are all having to go through as I work towards acceptance that what Dr. Fauci says is probably right.  Life may never be the normal that it was before.  I cry. I cry until my nose runs and my eyes are red and I let the sadness flow out. My tears feel mixed with blood from a leaking heart.  My very heart  aches.  I want my big brother.  I want my mom.  I want my husband and how it made things better when he said they would get better even if they really wouldn't because he was there, always he was there.  I want all the pets that have been dear to me but have passed.  But with death there is no do over, and I remind myself that is why I isolate.  Not so much to protect myself, but to protect others. I want to be a good citizen. 

Though I do not want to, I do the on-line Pilates class and that Tabata Pump class that Chrissie is now putting on Facebook.  I find that even my bike holds no allure.  I tell myself that if I don't ride, I can't sit and sulk and I must clean the closet where I keep my riding clothes.  Maybe I'll run across the wool arm warmers I have misplaced.  And so I clean.  And I do find them.  But I finish to find the sun is still shining and so I give up, grab the bike and head out.  Tomorrow and the next week are not supposed to be so nice for riding.  If I don't ride, I will be sorry.  I do hate to waste a spring day.

Despite my initial reluctance and a body that is relatively tired, I soon find my rhythm.   I decide I will not ride far or at a fast pace, but will just enjoy being in shorts and a jersey on an 80 degree April day.  All around me there are red buds in full bloom.  Salem Road has been freshly paved.  The sunshine puts a new slant on things and I am reminded to be grateful.  There is still beauty in the world. Perhaps, I think, we needed this virus as a wake-up call, to remind us of what is really important.  Regardless, I am spent.  Sadness still courses through me, but my tears have dried and I know I can move forward and put one foot in front of the other, at least for today.  Thank you, bicycle, yet again.  You are my hero.